Goodbye To Love

It’s 01.31 on a Monday morning.

I’m sitting on Shaftersbury Avenue in the middle of London in a Chinese restaurant.

All around me are couples and groups of friends. I’m the only one sitting on a table alone.

What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.

I’ve just ordered a whole lot of food. Enough to feed a family of four.

But I’ve drunk a lot tonight and there’s a lot of alcohol that needs soaking up.

As I begin to slowly sober up, the reality starts to set in. And it isn’t pleasant at all.

What on earth must everyone in here think of me? Are there any other twenty-somethings that come in here to feast and muse on a Sunday night/Monday morning like me?

They’ve just brought my main course. I try to smile at the waitress but it must look more like a wince. She glances at me with a face that says, “You poor fucking sod.”

I’m about to turn 29. What a way to transition to your 30th year Jonny.

Alone in the middle of a Chinese restaurant at 01.43 on a Monday morning.

This was never in my sights when I graduated from university 8 years ago.

Most of my other friends that graduated with me are getting married, having children, and buying homes.

The sweet and sour chicken and egg fried rice arent going down too well at all.

Next to me a young couple are talking about how much in love they are with one another. Adele’s “Someone Like You” is playing in the background. Sometimes you have to seriously question what has become of your life.

I manage 1 spare rib out of the 18 they’ve given me but I need to stop now. Three young guys, clearly as sober as I am, have just sat down in front of me..can I offer them my spare ribs?!

“Hope they’re glazed in LSD mate,” one of them says. I laugh. “Their should be more people like you in the world,” another one says. The waiter looks at me shamefully.

I do apologise if you’re reading this and a vegetarian by the way. I don’t blame you if you’ve stopped already. Any of you.

I mean, talk about procrastination! Perhaps you would like to know that the carpets in here are ruby red, the walls are cream coloured and the ceiling..well it seems to be changing colour! Maybe those spare ribs really were glazed in LSD after all!

Upon the walls hang paintings of mystic, beautiful, desolate landscapes inscribed with Chinese lettering. What I wouldn’t give to transport myself right now into any one of them.

Adele’s “Someone Like You” is playing yet again. Someone up there has to be playing a cruel joke on me.

Ok I’ve really got to pay the bill and leave now. The food isn’t quite having the desired effect upon me.

Anyway I’ve got to be up in a few hours time for therapy. G-d only knows I need it.

It’s 03.06. I opted not to get the night bus home but walk home instead. I think my head will only feel worse in the morning if I sleep for just these few hours.

I love walking around London at this time of the night/morning. I think it’s when I feel most at peace in my hometown.

There’s barely anyone on the streets. Except all the people sleeping rough. It’s the middle of January and extremely cold. I’ll never quite understand why this happens when there’s buildings that can accommodate them all around us. But that’s for another drunken rant.

Right now I’m selfishly thinking about me and why I’ve written 28 paragraphs of complete and utter bullshit. At least I’ve sobered up I suppose-I managed to coherently count the paragraphs!

Perhaps though, life is sometimes just so overwhelming you don’t know where to even begin to unpick it’s complexities.

I was supposed to write a blog post about my current state of mind, but I ended up writing a blog post about the Chinese meal I had on a drunken Sunday night.

Isn’t that life though. An endless stream of fear and pride.

A young man clearly inebriated stumbles across Trafalgar Square before me. I desperately want to make sure he’s ok. He pauses to look at me before turning away and stumbling on.

Why are we all so afraid of one another? And why are so we so afraid of our own selves?

Perhaps it’s just me, but i can’t be the only one, surely?

Else why would the man who I fell for, and who fell for me too, suddenly disappear this last weekend without a word.

Men have a habit of doing this within my life. I’m sure they’re scared of me, but I think now that they may be scared of themselves too.

We want simplicity in life don’t we, not the complex. And I think I am probably too complex for any man to ever truly love me.

My experience with this man has proved it.

How can a man who showers you with love one minute, suddenly vanish into thin air the next.

Fear? It must be. I told him of my insecurities, I told him of my doubts. I even told him about my non existent libido

No wonder he ran a mile Jonny!!

The worst thing is though that he told me he didn’t mind my issues at first, only to clearly later do a 180 when it must have dawned upon him what a potential lifetime spent with me would mean.

Someone’s got to do it though. And that someone must be me. Alone.

“I guess I’ve always known…I’d say goodbye to love,” sang Karen Carpenter. “Time and time again, the chance for love has passed me by and all I know of love is how to live without it, I just can’t seem to find it,” goes Goodbye To Love by The Carpenters.

So it’s goodbye to love, and it’s goodbye from me for now. I won’t be sharing anymore vlogs or blogs for a while at least.

I need to go away and…well, I’m not sure what exactly. I just know that these drunken nights/mornings are becoming a frequent occurrence. So much so that I don’t even know my own mind anymore.

When I do again, I will be back.

Please don’t worry about me. As Albert Camus once said,

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.”

And of course I am no different to you. We all hold the invincible summer within us. I just hope it doesn’t take you a drunken Chinese meal on a Monday morning to figure it out like I have . With love xxx

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About alifeafterdiagnosis

I am a 28 year old award winning mental health campaigner with schizoaffective disorder, a combination of schizophrenia and depression.

2 responses to “Goodbye To Love”

  1. Anonymous says :

    Hope things improve for you. I now have a very loving husband who wants to help me as much as possible and just loves me for me. I know you will find the same one day when the time is right.
    I am adjusting my meds again but learning what’s right for me. Much love and respect 🙂 xx

  2. roymalachi says :

    Hey Jonny! My name is Roy Malachi and I’m a 24 year man also living with Schizoaffective disorder. I’ve been following your YouTube channel and you have been giving me lots of hope throughout the years. Now it’s my turn to give you hope. I know I might be some random stranger but I’m honestly here for you and if you ever need to talk, cry, whatever I’m here. I didn’t have anyone during my trails and your videos and yourself were there for me! It’s hard getting older when you see all your friends exploring the world with their partner in crime etc etc. But know that great things happen to people who wait patiently. Your time will come soon where you’ll have a partner in crime, a house, children, and so much more. Don’t lose hope but gain strength. I know you can do it and overcome anything! Like I said earlier you’ve helped me out tremendously during my darkest hours and I want to thank you! Like I said I’m here for you feel free to email me or look me up on social media after your back from your break. I will definitely be praying for you and I mean it! Best of luck,
    – Roy Malachi

    P.S
    Here’s my email just in case: RoyLegarreta@yahoo.com

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